Lose the agenda and have an “emergent conversation” with your kid

In a recent blog, co-founder of sales.co, Jakob Greenfield, announced that he finally figured out why he doesn’t enjoy most podcasts:

Yesssss.

I totally felt that.

It also made me reflect on the conversations I have with my team, my friends, and even my family.

Jakob refers to these agenda-driven as “transactional” versus “emergent” conversations.

This got me thinking about how we approach conversations with kids, or more importantly, how kids are being trained to respond to our unthoughtful questions with canned podcast responses.

It’s time to get real. 👇️ 

But first, what the heck does emergent mean?

I was a little confused by this language and had to think deeper before I truly understood Jakob’s choice of words.

In essence, emergent means something that comes up unexpectedly. 

To juxtapose “emergent” against “transactional” means to avoid talking about things that encourage your kid to please you with the response you’re looking for, and embrace conversations where they feel free to share unexpected thoughts.

How do you do that?

By venturing into uncharted territory.

This means replacing your usual conversation starters with new, more inspiring questions.

Three questions to ask instead

It’s easy to slip into the routine of transactional questions, so here are a few questions to keep in mind when you want to encourage emergent conversations with your kid.

👉 Instead of “how was your day?”, try this:

"What's something new you discovered today, and what do you think about it?" 

This question avoids the typical response of “fine” (accompanied by an eyeroll 🙄) and encourages your kid to reflect on their daily experiences. By asking what they think about it, you’re validating their feelings and showing their ideas matter.

👉 Instead of “did you have any challenges at school today?”, try this:

"If you could solve one problem in the world, what would it be and why?"

This question prompts kids to think about the broader world around them, identifying not just the challenges they’re facing, but also how they think about others. It opens up discussions about empathy, impact, and the importance of contributing to the community.

👉 When they ace a test, instead of “are you proud of your work?”, try this:

"Can you tell me about a time today when you felt proud of yourself?"

Who knows, maybe they’re more proud of sharing their toys with their sister than their academic performance. This question helps kids recognize and articulate the accomplishments that are actually most important to them — not just the accomplishments that are supposed to be important.

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Emergent conversations spark curiosity, reflection, and connection. 

Time to move beyond the boring and predictable rat-a-tat and dive deep into the mind of that little human you created. ✌️

I bet you’ll learn something that surprises you.