How to help your kids overcome peer pressure, according to science

Today’s email topic was a reader request — this parent wanted to know:

How do we stop kids from succumbing to peer pressure? How do we help them be individuals and stick to their values?

Parents have been trying to help their kids overcome peer pressure for decades now.

But social media has changed the game. Now, overcoming peer pressure is no longer about “just saying no” — it’s about raising kids who can think for themselves, know their values, and be true to themselves even when that means going against the grain.

So in today’s newsletter, I’m going to be teaching you exactly how to do this with your kids.

💬 And if there’s something you’d like to see me cover in a future newsletter, hit reply and let me know!

💡 Social media changed the game on peer pressure

Our kids are biologically hardwired to fit in with their peers — just blame the human desire to belong to your social group.

But the way our kids are being influenced isn’t always as obvious as the classic “Just Say No” campaigns make it seem.

Even kids who say no when offered a cigarette or alcoholic drink can still be influenced by their peers in other ways.

True peer pressure is less like an offer to be refused, and more like the water kids are swimming in — it affects them whether or not they’re participating in it because they’re witnessing it either way.

This is why social media has changed everything. Now, it’s far easier to see everything your peers are doing, even when they’re not part of your friend group (or even kids who go to your school). Our kids are exposed to (and influenced by) more people, and more types of behaviors, than ever.

The best way to know if your kids are under the influence of peer pressure is to have a conversation with them. You could try asking:

• Do you like your friends? Do you feel like you have people to hang out with when you want to?

• Do your friends accept you as you are? Does anyone at school ever make you feel judged?

• Have you ever felt like people didn’t accept you before? What was that like?

It’s not always easy to know if our kids feel they’re succumbing to peer pressure, or if they feel like they’ve had to change who they are in order to fit in. The only way to know for sure is to ask.

The cognitive bias that’s stopping your kids from being themselves

One of the big reasons kids succumb to peer pressure is to fit in — because when they’re just being themselves, it can feel like they’re drawing unwanted attention.

But this isn’t always the case. In fact, your kids might feel like everyone is staring at them for whatever is making them different… when in fact no one is.

This is because of a psychological phenomenon called the Spotlight Effect: the feeling that others are noticing us or observing us more than they actually are.

The term was coined based on a study in which a kid would wear an embarrassing shirt to school. The kid wearing the shirt estimated that 50% of their classmates would notice it, when in reality, only 25% did.

Other studies have shown that people don’t notice the day-to-day variations in others’ appearances nearly as much as they notice them in themselves.

In sum, no one is staring at us. And even if they are, they tend to forget about it pretty quickly.

Sahil Bloom, who’s written an entire article on the Spotlight Effect, offers this advice for overcoming this cognitive bias: “Be interested, not interesting.”

“Most people enter a public situation with a desire to be interesting—to impress people with interesting insights or stories,” says Bloom. “Instead of focusing on being interesting, focus on being interested. Ask questions, listen intently, and engage.”

If our kids can shift their focus from themselves to others, this will help ease their anxiety about fitting in and allow them to just be themselves.

How to help your kids stay true to themselves

The best way to stop kids from succumbing to peer pressure and following the crowd is to help them know, with confidence and conviction, who they are and what they value. The more strongly they can stand in their identity, the less likely they’ll be to let others influence them.

This is precisely why we run workshops focused entirely on helping kids figure out their passion and purpose. Kids who know who they are and what they’re here to do engage with peers differently.

The first step is to help your kids identify their core values — these are the things that matter most to them when it comes to making decisions. If your kids don’t know where to start or aren’t familiar with values, we like to start by having them do a values card sort. The tool will give your kids a list of different values and ask them to sort those cards into “very important”, “important”, and “not important” categories.

The next step is to help your kids come up with a vision and mission for their life.

• Your kid’s vision answers the question: What does your happy/joyful/successful life look like? To get there, invite your kids to imagine their future 10-20 years from now and describe it in as much detail as they can.

• Your kid’s mission answers the question: How will you achieve your vision? What do you want to do with your time each day in order to fulfill your vision?

Watch some of our Prequel students describe their vision and mission here for inspiration!

Once your kid has come up with their mission and vision, have them try building a vision board that encompasses these statements to serve as a constant visual reminder of their goals.

Your kid can only be negatively influenced by their peers if they don’t have direction or goals for themselves — so helping them connect to passion and purpose is the best way to help them stay true to themselves.

Next steps

31% of parents we surveyed said that the biggest thing their kids are struggling with right now is lack of confidence. Here are some resources to help:

• Watch: 3 proven exercises to build your kid’s confidence

• Read: How to actually help your kids build confidence

• Join: Apollo, where kids build real-world projects to help boost confidence and curiosity

Thanks for reading!

Until next time,

Ivy

CEO Prequel, BETA Camp, Apollo

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